You realize that being seen for your authentic Self, being accepted and loved for who you are is one of the most important needs, one of the greatest joys. Yet you have learned to adapt and smile when you’re uncomfortable, to hold back, when you don’t share the opinions and world views of those that surround you. You have learned to act small, when you notice others find your confidence and your talents intimidating. You have learned to ignore mean comments, jealous remarks and when someone crosses your boundaries, because that keeps you safe and makes you more professional. The person that results is someone who always smiles, always has a kind response to any problem, always encourages others to share, never taking anything personal - on the surface. You catch yourself playing this part, when it feels hard to swallow the day. If you were honest with yourself, you feel small, disrespected, never good enough, not appreciated, not able to share honestly. All of these behaviors are coping mechanisms that you have developed in response to something that was traumatic for you. In order to stay safe, you may have adopted a behavior that was not true to you. Compromising authenticity in exchange for love and appreciation from others is a tough trade-off. It will never fill the void. - but it’s a natural survival response that you make yours.

-

Many of us have come to face the depth of society’s shadow throughout the past 1,5 years. Confined to small and limited spaces, we have ultimately all been confronted with our own shadows and wounds unhealed. Many relationships, both friendships and partnerships, might have completely changed or been disrupted. So many feel like they have lost their friends. A lot of these dynamics have been brought on by differing world views that might have been exposed in heated debates about the state of the world. In the heat of the moment and driven by anger, we might have ended relationships and friendships, blaming the other for their wrong beliefs, behaviors, actions.
Beneath this lies that being confronted with ourselves and those around us in such an intensified way, it simply becomes clear that the friend who used to be a work-out buddy, the old friend from uni, the friend that used to always be up for a cup of tea or traveling the world together resonated with that part of ourselves, but never really saw us for who we are. And being seen is not the same as being looked at. Being seen matters.

We heal in community, because community provides the space for us to show up wholly, to practice setting boundaries, to learn about ourselves and our needs and communicating them. Willingness to comprimise is an essential, but willingness to compromise ourselves is misery.
The truth is, there is no need to compromise ourselves for superficial relationships. What matters in matters of the heart is depth. And depth can only come from the depth that you have with your Self. Every interaction is a door. Every conflict is a door. When you dare walk through it instead of painting stories about the world: ask yourself what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, what you need and what you can do to satisfy your needs. These questions will help you see yourself. And when you see yourself, you unravel old trauma patterns. You create space for alternatives, you heal and move on to relationships that hold space for your whole Self. Which is what you deserve.

-

Reflect on your behaviors and transform your coping mechanisms with the help of my free Trigger Transformation Tool to consciously shift your behavior.