Life can be such a riddle. Caught up in the net of the days, the weeks, you float through the conversations and challenges life throws at you. And the way you do that is by default; taking action or not depending on how you learned to.

Being your own parent is difficult. If you have suffered in your childhood, because you were not allowed to have boundaries, making the decision to set boundaries is terrifying. If you have experienced that you are only lovable, when you help others or keep quiet instead of saying out loud what’s on your mind, expressing your needs and prioritizing your own needs is a challenge.

People pleasing is a symptom of whatever painful lessons you learned as a child. It’s a coping mechanism rooted in beliefs of not being good enough, not deserving, not being lovable.

I spent years adjusting to what was expected of me. I am a naturally compassionate person feeling the pain of the world and the weight of it on my shoulders. On top of that, I have not learned how to set boundaries as a child, I internalized the belief I wasn’t deserving or good enough for what I dreamed of, what I loved, what would bring me joy. I studied what was a compromise for me, to sort of do what was expected of me and also do what I thought would make me happy. I kept what hurt me, what bothered me silently to myself, instead of speaking up and having open conversations about things as small as how to manage the household with my roommates. When I was asked to help, I was always there. Except for myself. Living like that, trying to please others and abandoning myself, I carried a lot of anger and resentment within me, not realizing that I carried that resentment first and foremost against myself. Because at the core, relationships are fundamentally a reflection of your relationship with yourself.

I resented myself for not resting when I was exhausted, I resented myself for not being able to have uncomfortable conversations and I didn’t even know that. I was just sad, angry. I projected a lot onto others and could simply not seem to find a way out of a repetitive loop.

How do you learn to speak your truth? Live it? How to you feel free?

By dismantling pattern after pattern, one by one. Meeting yourself and getting to know yourself. Getting to know your anger, your sadness. Become your own observer, and then shift, because you can’t change people. The way you change what happens in your world and how you feel in it is through becoming aware of your own patterns and your own sources of pain, anything where you still have low self-worth and unhealed trauma. This empowers you to heal from the past and change your life, one decision at a time, as you practice giving yourself what you need and living your truth.

An effective way of doing that is by journaling it out using these journal prompts:

1. What happened that made you sad, angry, treated unfairly? What triggered you?

2. What image comes to mind when you think of it? When was the first time you felt triggered by a situation like that?

3. What thoughts come up for you?

4. What emotions do you feel right in that moment when you think of the person or situation that triggered you?

5. When you close your eyes, where in your body do you feel that emotion? A tingling in your fingers? A tightness in your chest?

6. What did you actually need in that moment?

7. What action can you take to give that to yourself? What action can you take to shift the narrative around that trigger?

Once you have answered these questions, stay in the thoughts, emotions, sensations that presented themselves for you. Breathe through them, inhaling through the nose for 2 seconds, holding your breath for 2 seconds, and then pursing your lips, exhale slowly for at least 4 seconds. Do so, until you feel calmer, softer. This breathing technique soothes and calms your nervous system down, helping you to come back to the state of resting, the parasympathetic nervous system. You can also tap your thighs or knee caps, alternating between left and right. The alternate movement integrates the trigger and the underlying, unhealed pain from the past.

Making this a regular practice can be one of your simplest self-healing tools to help you let go of past pain enabling you to free yourself and live your truth every day.

If this was helpful for you, let me know in the comments below, or send me an email.